Seriously, a lot of thinking. I have had five months to think. That is a long time. It is a long time to not be working. A long time to not be blogging. A long time to think. If you have no idea what I am talking about, I’ll catch you up to speed…
If you’ve followed my blog for a while, you probably noticed that I stopped posting in March. I have not published a blog post of any kind since March. I’ve been sharing on Instagram and other social media outlets as life hasn’t slowed down one bit. We’ve traveled, enjoyed the kids, worked through some hard things, made progress on the house, and enjoyed life. But, I did not blog.
I did not make the decision to stop blogging, rather I was having some tech issues with my blogging platform that took months to figure out. The decision was made for me. Let me tell you , it sucked. I had numerous sponsored posts lined up. They were photographed and everything, but my site simply wouldn’t let me write and publish the posts. It was extremely difficult to tell companies I was working with that all I had promised them wasn’t going to happen after all. That is not how I like to do business and it weighed very heavy on me for a long time. My tech people tried to figure out what was going on but weren’t having much luck. I spent hours online researching what it might be and how to fix it but nothing I tried worked. So, after months of agonizing and feeling defeated, I just let go. I let go of the pressure to do it. I still sought out some tech experts to help with the problem, but I let go of the stressful expectation to get it done immediately. I let go of the disappointment of the opportunities I was missing out on. I decided to just be. To take the time, until it was figured out, to work on other things. To further organize our lives. And I did.
I spent more time with the kids. I accomplished a lot of home projects, but most importantly; I reflected and reevaluated.
There were a few questions that continued to come to my mind, “Am I supposed to be blogging?” “Is this what I want to be doing?” “Does this fulfill me?” “Is this where God has me?” “What am I most passionate about?” “If I could be doing anything, what would it be?”.
If you have ever asked yourself those questions, you probably know how difficult, and scary, it can be to answer them honestly. I realized that for years I had not been being honest with myself and the people around me. I thought my true passions and desires would be viewed “wrongly” or something and they wouldn’t be met with support and encouragement. I though my gifts, abilities, passions, and desires must be selfish and self-serving. I thought they were too big. I thought I had to be older, wiser, better, to pursue them. I put myself in a box. I safe little box. A box full of only the things I knew I could do.
The box wasn’t so safe after all. Somehow, I found myself struggling and toiling inside my box of self-limits. I kind of enjoyed it sometimes but it wasn’t enough. It hurt me, it bound me, it caused insecurities. I stopped growing inside of my little box. I hit the walls and reversed, caving back in on myself. My business, my relationship with my family, my mental, emotional, and spiritual health were affected by it.
Why? Because I was growing. I was on a trajectory with much larger “boundaries” than the lines of my box. So, when I hit the confines I had constructed, it hurt. I had grown too large but hadn’t released the latch to let myself free.
I realized this one day while at lunch with Sam. We had gone to the gym and decided to grab lunch afterward. We had plans for the day but during lunch, something happened. The conversation of my blog and my frustration came up. Sam, my beautiful blessing of a husband, simply asked me, “What do you want to be doing? If you could do anything, what would it be?” I just looked at him, and then I started to cry. The restraints I had placed on my heart fell off. My dreams came bursting out of my heart and tumbled out of my mouth with the squeaky, choked, sound of ill-controlled sobs.
It was terrifying to confess my desires. Absolutely terrifying. But it felt good to break. We all need to break sometimes. It is in the breaking that we give ourselves room to expand to something larger. When I think about that moment at the lunch table, I envision a baby chick in an egg. The chick has spent its entire life growing in its shell. It doesn’t know the world outside of it’s shell. It grows until there’s no room left; no more vital nutrients to support its life and continued growth. It is faced with the decision to give up. To say, this isn’t working for me. I have reached my full potential. It isn’t going to happen. Or, to muster its strength and break the only safety it’s ever known. To ram itself over and over again against the hard case that has supplied it it’s entire life. To break, to be broken. To crawl out of a shell, weak and trembling, in order to grow even more.
I realized many things during that conversation with Sam. We ended up scrapping our plans for the day. We drove around Denver for hours. We cried, we talked, we laughed. We dreamed, we planned. He encouraged me, he reminded me of all of the things God has told me about my destiny over the years. And after we were done, I was ready. I was ready to grow. I was ready to cast off the fear the had come to constrain me. I was ready to not only dream again, but step out with faith in the direction of my dreams.
So I chose.
I chose to trust God in what He was asking me to do. He was asking me to say yes to the desires He had placed in my heart. I chose to sit with him and hear his heart about my life.
While I am still sitting with him listening, I am ready to share again. I am ready to write again.
You see, I thought I had to remove myself from my business. I thought I had to limit my blog and my writing to beautiful fashion, and leave my person out of it. I thought things like “People want to see pretty outfits, they aren’t interested in reading about my life.” “Why would they want to read about me, what do I have to offer anyone?” So I limited myself. I realized the reality is the exact opposite of the lies I was believing. One can find good fashion anywhere, but I am unique. I do have things to offer, if I didn’t have things to offer, God wouldn’t have put me on this earth. I am worth knowing. My heart, and thoughts, and opinions are worth knowing. Those lies I was choosing to believe were crippling me from doing the very things I want to do. The very things I have been called and purposed to do.
I still love fashion, I still plan on sharing and writing about fashion; but I have so much more.
I have many things in my heart that I want to release.
And I’m going to.
I am not going to worry about making less money because of this. It is hard sometimes. I worried that if I got to personal with this platform that companies would not want to work with me. I thought I needed to keep it “strictly business” to remain professional and to actually make an income. I forgot that every good and perfect thing comes from the Lord. I can never rely on my blog or my profession to provide for my needs…Jesus provides for my needs, especially my finances. If this is what He is asking me to do, I’m going to do it. And I am going to do it without worrying about money. I’m giving it to Him to worry about while I walk out what He has purposed me to.
I am beautiful. My heart and experiences are beautiful. My outlooks are beautiful. I was made this way so I can share it with others. I am a reflection of my Creator and I am to share His beauty.
So are you. Whatever it is that has been holding you back from the true dreams and desires in your heart…let them go. Find a “Sam”; someone in your life who will honestly and lovingly encourage you to do what you were made to do. Then do it. Break your box. I believe that is the calling on all of our lives.
The freedom feels good.
Before I go, I’ll share a some more pictures of some of my favorite moments from the last five months. I do have many more fashion posts coming (I love the artistry of creating beautiful looks too much to not do it) but I also can’t wait to share so much more of myself.
I hope you feel inspired and I can’t wait to share even more.